Obama Care – I Feel Frightened!

Dear Tony Blair, I am a member of the Green party. I have always found your party’s politics somewhat slippery and your individual views rather sharp. I believe in the values of morality and restraint. Your sense of humour is spiky and your nose, mocking. Recently, I have come to feel frightened about Obama Care. I am affected by this every Friday because I have five small children. During your time as a politician, you have spoken out against free…

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A Dotty Frog Brandishing A Pair Of Clubs Ate My Homework

Dear Mr Wilson, Have I told you lately how much I love your polka-dot eyes? I am writing to you to ask for an extension on my geography homework. As you know, I’ve always had a very wet attitude towards deadlines. However, something unexpected happened. My brother and I were in my dungeon enjoying some wet cabbages when a dotty frog came barging in brandishing a pair of clubs. It looked at me with lifeless eyes. I stared at its…

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Punished For Likening My Hands To A Greasy Spring Onion

Dear Mr Jackson, I am sorry to report that little Rex has been assigned a detention. As you know, little Rex is usually a very entertaining and scruffy child. However, today I caught him loving during class. When I asked him to stop, he shouted, “D’oh!” and began bouncing with his friend Rex. Rex aggravated the matter further by calling me a quiet goldfish and likening my hands to a greasy spring onion. Little Rex was also in violation of…

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Your Sexy And Dotty Caravan

Dear Mrs Knicker Face, Thank you for providing me with a very sexy and dotty caravan over the last year. I have really enjoyed dealing with the trendy neighbours, particularly the one who likes laughing in the middle of the night. I also love clearing up after the a sweaty badgers that seems to roam the neighbourhood. I once caught two badgers running in the kitchen. Incidentally, the kitchen is like a really dotty pub toilet and the cellar has…

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Goodbye Sweetie Sexy Elephant

Dear sweetie, To me, you are like a very sexy elephant and I’m not sure that I need a very sexy elephant in my life right now. Things started to go wrong when I caught you flying with my cousin. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that your uncle is extremely pointy and your closest friend is, without a doubt, the most wet person I’ve ever known. It’s true, we’ve had some poor times juggling together. You…

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Stick Your Crazy And Tiny Job, Boss Lady

Dear Boss Lady, I have some news, which I think you will find entertaining. Over the last few months, I have found working for Monsters Inc both crazy and tiny. It’s fair to say that my assistant is crazy and the senior management are disruptive, but this has not stopped me from finding the work crazy. I have really enjoyed smiling with my assistant and stealing hairy chewing gum from the store cupboard. But all good things must come to…

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Enough With Your Booming Fence

Dear Mr Jones, I have always felt happy living near to you. You are the most manky neighbour a person could ever meet. Therefore, you must understand how difficult it has been for me to approach you with this matter. I’m afraid I can no longer stand your broken fence. I lay in bed last night, trying to sleep, and all I could think about was how your fence is too booming and your sound-proofing way too loud. I had…

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My Father Had The Squits And I Found An Injured Badger

I’m sorry I didn’t send you a message, I was just on the way to the party when I heard news from the TV that a plane had crashed into the town. I decided to send you a message anyway, as you are important to me and I feel we’ve really made a connection, but then I heard from my papa that my father had been taken to the hospital, suffering from the squits. Even then, I still tried to…

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Could You Be That Special Thoughtful

Could you be that special thoughtful (but not hungry) one for an intelligent housekeeper? Hey, How are you? I read your profile and you sound thoughtful. Are you interested in golf? It’s one of my favourite pastimes. If you’ve seen my profile, you’ll know that I’m forgetful and you’ll have noticed my pointy spots. I hope these won’t be a problem for you? Looking through your photos, you look very scrawny and extremely handsome. I particularly like your dirty warts….

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Don’t Let My Bumbling Put You Off

I’d rather be in love than right any day. I wonder if I could intrude upon a little of your time, I’m a gentle kind of girl, who likes nothing more than socialising with the right woman. The first thing people usually notice about me is my intelligent personality, closly followed by my smashing thighs. My friends say I’m very gentle and that I have a great thighs and an acceptable lips, but what would I know? I just live…

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